Vodka & Cupcakes

Comparison: Kim Jong-Il & Dark Helmet

A few readers brought it to my attention that they didn’t quite understand a few jokes in the Kim Jong-Il & Obama: A Snarky History Lesson, namely those referring to Spaceballs and Team America.  

Let’s start with the easiest one to explain:

“Then again, maybe Kim Jong-Il is just looking for a friend; after all, he is ‘so ronery’.”

This comes from Team America, a movie from the creators of South Park that is so insanely offensive it’s funny.  Because I don’t think everyone should see the film, I’ll provide you with a 2-minute clip of Kim Jong-Il’s soliloquy in song:

WARNING: If you are particularly sensitive to the f-word, I would recommend muting your computer for the first 3 seconds.

 

Now, let’s dive into the second reference that is not offensive, but done in true Mel Brooks style!  I would recommend you see the entire Spaceballs movie because Mel Brooks could use the money and you could use the laughs.  If, however, you’re like my mom who refuses to waste a second of her life on Mel Brooks, here is the trailer followed by a clip of my favorite Dark Helmet scene:

So on what grounds do I base my comparison of Kim Jong-Il to Dark Helmet?

Dark Helmet is the military leader of Planet Spaceball; he is supposed to get his orders from President Skroob, but tends to take things upon himself believing that he is all-knowing and wise.  His decisions typically backfire and, when they do, he awkwardly blames someone else.  While his voice may sound ominous behind the huge helmet, he is just a mousy little man who plays with dolls but people fear him because he’ll shrink their junk if they don’t respect his authority.

While I cannot confidently say that Kim Jong-Il plays with dolls, I can assure you that he is indeed the same kind of mousy little man who maintains control through fear.  This little tidbit of information tells us a lot more you might think:

1) Fear -- Get ready for a little Political Science 101: There are two paths to political organization, the friendly way called “consensus” and the not-so-friendly way called “coercion”.  

Consensus = Democratic Rule         Coercion = Authoritarian Rule 

Now, authoritarian rule means that the leader and a small, elite group of cronies took power by force - it was not given to them by the people, they are not held accountable by the citizens.  Basically it’s like a bully on the playground: no one gave him power, he just started beating up kids and pretty soon everyone was scared of him.  Next thing you know, kids are throwing their lunch money at his feet when he walks down the hall and no one goes near the tire swing.  

But what if that bully starts beating up kids and telling them that the sky was red with blue polka dots?  The bully’s sidekicks form a commission to seek out non-believers (kids who are dumb enough to still think the sky is blue) and beat them up.  Lots of kids would start claiming the sky was red with blue polka dots even if they didn’t believe it.  When a leader uses violence to implement some ideology, employs institutions and organizations to enforce it, and citizens submit for fear of persecution, that’s Totalitarian Rule.  Welcome to life in North Korea.

2) Charisma -- While two petite, unattractive men aren’t exactly the first things that come to mind when you hear that word, politically they are what we call “charismatic leaders”.  Their power is not legitimized through historical precedent (like a king or queen) or voting procedures (like a democracy), but their credibility comes through an idea that is conveyed to the public.  “Our dear leader” Kim Jong-Il didn’t come with that title - he made it.  So it’s not the physical appearance of the person, but it's the person’s ability to communicate ideas that wins and this is done primarily through the media.

In a totalitarian state, the media is the leader’s lapdog.  Existing solely to suck up to and do the leader’s bidding, the media picks and chooses which stories perpetuate the leader’s ideology and then edits it to make it that much more unbelievable.

For example, on June 19, 2000 a North Korean news report was obtained by the BBC and reads in part as follows:

“The outstanding greatness of Kim Jong-Il as a peerless politician lies in the fact that he has scientifically led the revolution and construction to a brilliant victory without a mistake or failure for nearly 40 years...The moves of the imperialists and reactionaries to stifle the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have been totally smashed by his bold grit and just politics.”

After you’re finished throwing up, it’s easy to see that the media is nothing more than the bully’s crony institution out to convince people that the leader is looking out for the well-being of the citizens and country.

There you have it - Kim Jong-Il is just a wee man hiding behind a big media charade, just like Dark Helmet is hiding inside his oversized dark helmet.  Neither one have much of a clue what they’re doing but they know they’re right, that they’re better than everyone else.  When their plans suck, junk gets shrunk and missiles get launched.  

You’ve learned a lot, so go pour yourself a drink and revel in your new-found brilliance.

 

 

"Evil will always triumph because good is dumb."
-Dark Helmet, Spaceballs 

 

Harry Potter & the Order of Shut Your Face

My brother, Ryan, and I decided at the last minute tonight to catch a showing of Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows, Part 1.  As it was not properly planned, the only theater showing the movie at a time convenient for us was one that is known for exceptionally cheap tickets - that’s the only way they can get people to trek that far into the ghetto.

The theater was maybe half full and the previews were wrapping up as we took our seats.  The first big event of the movie and we hear “Is that in the book?” in a plain-as-day voice coming from behind us.  A few minutes later it was “Hey, what did he say?” in the same everyday conversational volume.  When there was a joke, the guy behind us would laugh and then repeat the punchline just to make sure we all caught it.  This happened for all 150 minutes of the film.

His counterpart, Smacky McGee, would answer the questions in a whisper obviously aware of the dude’s lack of manners but she was equally as bad, just in another way.  Between the popcorn, Twizzlers, and beverage, it was a crunching, smacking, slurping, gulping good time.  

It’s like a match made in heaven, really: Sir Talks A Lot and Lady Smackerson.  Between the two of them, it’s enough to drive even Mother Teresa to drink.  And their kids, Can’t Sit Still Carrie and Too Much Sugar Tabby, might just make Super Nanny twitch.  These kids were given free reign over the theater: running up and down the stairs, talking just like their daddy (“Um, Daddy, I’m out of Skittles.  I need more.  No, I need more now!” “Hey, Carrie, do you like the red ones more than the green ones?” “Daddy, I need your phone so I can shine light on the Skittles and see what color they are.”), and dropping roughly $8.00 in pennies on the cement floor.

When we got out of the movie, Ryan and I immediately started ranting about the annoying family.  That conversation carried us all the way to my car (which to my surprise was not on blocks) and then another 15 minutes on the drive home.

Honestly, though, how can people be so oblivious, ignorant, or just plain rude as to not notice or care about their horribly bad social habits?  You can hear yourself chew, so what makes you think other people can’t?  How can you be 40-something and not know to shut your mouth in a movie?  What on earth makes you think your kids are invisible to everyone else? 

It’s people like this who are responsible for the degradation of our culture when it comes to manners.  Those too selfish to extend common courtesies to others deserve far more than this humble blog could ever offer.

 Oh, and if you’re wondering if you’re one of those people, yes you are.  The fact that you have to think about it indicates that you need a clue more than Joe "Big F*#@ing Deal" Biden.

[This concludes the activation of the Emergency Soapbox Broadcasting System. We now resume whatever it is you were doing before.]